This, kids, is called a library…with books.

Dear Reader- I’m back! I took a nice, chunky break from writing and did actual things for a bit. My husband came home for more than 30 days. We went to New York City for the first time (a whoooole other blog post. I heart NYC). I spent time with my family and celebrated Christmas without gift exchange for anyone but the kids. I spent the money we saved on Christmas on tuition and books and parking passes because like any idiot with a dream- this mama headed back to school.

I’m one week into my first semester of my first year of PA school and it’s kicking my butt in ways I didn’t expect.

I’m sitting down a lot. This is new for me. I was a dental hygienist for almost 8 years and I worked in busy offices. Despite our sweet rolling chairs, there is a lot of running around. I was a stay at home mom for almost two years and I do NOT need to tell you how much running, jumping, lifting, cooking, cleaning, driving, or sheer madness that entails. Now I sit a room and get what they so lovingly call at my school- Death by Powerpoint. This I am not used to. During one lunch break I walked down to the furthest coffee shop because I had to. I HAD TO. The blood clots were circling, I could feel them.

All this sitting and screen time has led to another problem. God help me this is horrible to say but- I am drinking way too much coffee. All that powerpointing requires a surprising amount of caffeine to get through. But the other day I was drinking concentrated cold brew without diluting it. That’s not great. At least there will be plenty of medical professionals around when my heart inevitably explodes.

I feel guilty about not feeling guilty about leaving my kids.  As of right now my husband is doing all the dropping off and picking up. The baby is in daycare and my son is in school. I walk out of the chaos at 645 am and get into my warm car and blissfully listen to a podcast or audio book or Lindsey Stirling for 30 minutes while sipping the above mentioned lethal dose of coffee. And I LOVE IT. Then I promptly feel guilty about loving it. Mom Guilt is so real no matter what your parenting situation.

This is pretty much where I’m at right now. Feeling like I’m on the edge of a program that is about to rock my world but also so grateful and excited to be studying something that fascinates me. (Y’all the human body is amazingly complex and surprisingly temporary.) I’m ready to dive into this program and career change. I’m nervous about how this will impact my family- especially my babies. I want to be a good human that’s a good healthcare provider that’s a good wife and mama. Finding that balance may be impossible but I’m giving it my best shot (of espresso). Mom on, y’all.